I was honestly going to title this post Jade Cicada (with no space), and then I thought twice about how Google's indexranking pages work and that people randomly googling her name might have this post pop up.
And yet, why should I care so much?
Decorum?
What's it worth anymore these days?
Anyway, the series of unsavory wheel clicks that had been going on in my head over and over was that JC had been Chris.
Specifically the Chris who had come by and told me her room number.
He had dropped all sorts of clues when I kept pressing for information (but not her real name); he matched quite a lot of them and honestly I think it was a natural conclusion when I had finally reached home rather tired from RPI.
Jacket color, German last name, looks Asian more than German, anime shifts, game developer's club, knew what Touhou was, etc. etc. etc.
She obviously wasn't going to be on pyoko in the main chat but I remember miho had invited her over to arc a while back, /whois told me she was there.
I had to ask.
Yet she denied it.
She denied being Chris and admitted to having a huge panic attack Thursday and delibarately avoiding me throughout the convention.
That she had used the second floor overpass (I had known about and never bothered cause it's a roundabout route) and side entrances and had never gone to the game room on purpose.
That she was surprised Chris had given me so much information, and yet again surprised that I had found her on irc on arc.
Just your normal extremely private Jade.
It was like heaven and hell.
On one hand if my carefully reached conclusion had been proven true, I think I'd have been less angry but more disappointed.
It would have meant I HAD met Jade after all.
And Chris was quite a cool guy, we played PoFV for hours and honestly he was the only one who could beat me consistentedly (more like 50/50, but it got worse if I used my crappy controller and gave him my pink satapad).
That and it was fun watching Kanon with him (I like people watching Kanon :V)
However, it just didn't jibe, the vibes I got from Chris offline and the vibes I get from Jade online.
However her denial threw me back into the anger of before, though less white hot and now more muddled.
Honestly, I wanted to believe her.
I wanted to believe that there were two separate people here, and that I wasn't being screwed with again.
I wanted to believe in Chris and I wanted to believe in her.
And yet it would also mean I wanted to believe that she did not trust me enough to see me in person and had let me hang for three days with no notice of this.
This is a horrible horrible mix of emotions to have swirling and turning round and round in a washing machine.
I don't like drama.
And I know some people actually read this blog.
But I need to write it down, because otherwise I'll twist myself further into knots.
It's funny, if you start from the beginning of this blog you'll notice I write some very personal posts, and as it goes on it becomes more and more gaming related and I hardly bring up my life.
This has been the first real e/n post in a while, I almost forgot how to write them.
Guess that's what you're supposed to use them for some times.