Friday, April 30, 2004

Jumped off a cliff

So I was thinking about this post the entire way back from handing in my World of Language paper. And I just realized that I feel worthless. Not the world is against me cut my wrists worthless....more like that guy in Sandman, I make no difference worthless. Cause seriously, the more I think about it, the more I'm sure I just burden the world. Think about some farmer in India growing his crops on some tiny piece of land for his family. He sure as hell ain't worth negative. His sons who help him in the field? Not worth negative either. What the fuck am I worth? -College tuition -SAT classes -rent food and clothing and shelter and insurance and dental. I am worth a gigantic negative to my parents and the rest of the world. I have never had a job, never MADE a substantial amount of money on my own. Like what do I have to show for it? One semester on the dean's list cause of easy classes and like a 2.3 GPA or something laughable like that? I'm not like say...John aka noob who manages to do jack and laugh at life and get 4 B's and and A. Would I kill for his grades? Nah, but would I pay one month's rent for them? Maybe, fucking maybe. Just to tell myself I'm not worth negative. Now he's graduated, what's he going to do? Probably get a job somewhere and play fucking games and enjoy life. Why is it so hard for me to concentrate on shit I dislike? It's like that kid in Naruto who's laid back, does shit, but gets by because he's fucking smart and does what comes natural to him. It'd be like if I made a million dollars every time I took the SAT or fucking killed someone in Halo. That'd be a godamn nice life, just taking SATs and playing games as a job. And why not? I felt a certain perverse joy owning those tests, I have to admit I was godamn enthusiastic about crushing their easiness. I can't feel that way with college work. The best I can do is have an experience like Japanese, where it's high school except HARD all over again with my surrogate asian mother making me feel so fucking ashamed at my shitty level of work and me studying like crazy for the first time in my life for a C+. And now the nicest TA in the world is going to get my Late world of language paper, actually read it, and realize what a piece of shit it is. And I'm going to feel like a negative again.

Enough emo for the rest of the year, time to fucking not let my programming partner down and TRY to kill the take home language final so I can save some face.